what does "chronically online" mean?
being chronically online isn't just about screen time (though that's part of it). it's a state of being where the internet has fundamentally shaped how you see and talk about the world.
chronically online people understand references that would make no sense to anyone who touches grass regularly. they have opinions about internet drama. they know the lore.
symptoms of being chronically online
vocabulary shifts:
- using "unalive" instead of "die" in real conversation
- saying "very that" as a complete sentence
- describing things as "giving" without finishing the sentence
- unironically saying "periodt"
behavioral signs:
- checking your phone immediately upon waking
- having takes about internet microcelebrities
- understanding the nuanced difference between "based" and "cringe"
- knowing what "the discourse" is at any given moment
- reading this glossary
the chronically online spectrum
level 1: casually online
- has social media accounts
- posts occasionally
- mostly lurks
- still has outside friends
level 2: very online
- posts regularly
- understands most memes when they happen
- has some para-social relationships
- phone battery dies by 2pm
level 3: chronically online
- has opinions about platform-specific drama
- understands deeply nested irony
- morning routine starts with timeline check
- can trace meme genealogy
level 4: terminally online
- has been in at least one twitter discourse
- knows the drama between accounts you've never heard of
- screen time stats look like a cry for help
- probably wrote part of this definition
is being chronically online bad?
depends who you ask.
the chronically online would argue it's just being culturally literate for the digital age. we're not out of touch - everyone else is behind.
people who touch grass would say we need help.
both can be true.
embracing your chronic online-ness
if you're reading a shitposting glossary, you're probably already chronically online. might as well lean into it. at least you're self-aware about it. that counts for something, right?
...right?